You can not go through life without meeting someone or the other who treats you as if you are disposable. It doesn’t necessarily have to be your partner, it can also be someone in your professional life, like your boss or co-worker. It can even be a member of your family, like your parents, your siblings, or even yourself. But one thing is certain: whoever has done it to you has hurt you badly enough that you have found yourself on the internet, wondering how to deal with people who don’t value you.
Love is powerful. It can move mountains, bring the best out in a person, and heal the hurt. However, a one-sided relationship can be extremely painful and can break even the strongest of people. Fortunately for you, you have come to the right place. Together, we will learn methods for dealing with toxic people in your life as well as how to get over them. But before we learn about how to deal with someone who doesn’t value you, we need to understand the below signs that you are not being valued.
1. Recognize the signs of being undervalued
The first step to take when you are learning how to walk away from people who don’t appreciate you is to understand the difference between a secure attachment and being undervalued. Picture this: You have a crush on someone, and you go out of your way to help them out with things, so much so that they have come to depend on you. However, they are not aware of your feelings. Or take another scenario where you mentored your co-worker in a project, but they didn’t get you a gift on your birthday.
In both scenarios, you might feel they took you for granted. But that is not true. While it is completely normal to feel a little hurt when such things happen, it is not right to term them a villain for not falling in love with you or not getting you a gift. But if your crush gave you mixed signals or your co-worker took all the credit for the project, then that is a different story.
On the other hand, some of the signs someone doesn’t value you:
At work:
- Your efforts go unnoticed and unappreciated, while other people get praise
- Your promotions are being skipped, despite you being qualified
- Pay disparity, even though you are doing the same work as others
- Your ideas are disregarded
At home:
- You are the one who always takes the initiative, whether to make plans or fix problems
- Your words and feelings are ignored or brushed off
- You are below the neighbour’s dog on their priority list
- Your happiness or successes are underplayed or deemed unimportant
- They ignore your boundaries
- They make you feel you are not enough
If this pretty much describes the dynamic of your relationship with the person who is making you feel undervalued, then it’s time to take the next step.
2. Set clear personal boundaries
The next thing you need to do when dealing with toxic people in your life is to set boundaries. A boundary can look like you setting a cap when people use you as a sounding board and keep venting without reciprocation, and saying, “ I can listen for 5 minutes, then I’ll take a break.” Or by limiting your availability by saying, “ I’d love to help, but I have a deadline.” Words like these will ensure boundaries are communicated clearly and that there is no scope for confusion.
If someone continues to disrespect your boundaries, create a physical distance between you and remember, boundaries don’t mean you are keeping people away. It means you are protecting yourself from harm. Boundaries exist for your well-being.
3. Communicate your feelings honestly
When learning how to deal with people who don’t value you, one thing we need to keep in mind is that the person hurting us might not be aware of the hurt their actions or words are causing you. In such circumstances, it is best to talk to them and tell them what you feel and how it triggered you.
Let’s say you invited your colleague to your wedding, but they didn’t invite you to their bachelorette, then your feelings are valid. In such situations, rather than letting resentment seethe in your mind, sit down with them and talk it out by using “I” sentences.
4. Don’t take their behavior personally
If you are met with constant rejections or criticism from a loved one or a figure of authority at work, then after a while, you start believing them. You start doubting your capabilities and having thoughts like “Maybe I am not the best fit for this job”, or “ My partner doesn’t like the food I make, I must be a bad cook.” These self-doubts corrode your confidence.
You need to understand that people are rarely unbiased in their speech, especially when you’re learning how to stop caring about people who don’t care about you. Remember that people’s opinion about you has less to do with you and more to do with who they are and what frame of mind they are in.
5. Focus on your self-worth and self-love
When a lot of voices keep telling you who you are and what value you hold in their life, somewhere your own voice in your head gets subdued. You know that voice that tells you, if you are that incompetent, then why don’t they fire you? Or the voice that says, “So what if my sunflower painting isn’t as good as Vincent Van Gogh’s? I am not competing with anyone. I paint for myself.”
Yes, that inner voice has seen you fight your demons and come out victorious. Therefore, take care of your body, mind, and soul. Indulge in activities that make you happy, be it gardening, going on a drive, pottery, playing your favorite sport, or having a bubble bath. When you learn to love yourself, only then can you find out how to walk away from people who don’t appreciate you. So, be kind to yourself.
6. Limit or cut off contact if necessary
People only change when they want to. No matter how hard you try, if a person doesn’t see that they are doing something wrong or if they don’t feel the need to work on themselves, then there is nothing you can do for them. Even though we cannot control someone else’s actions, we can certainly control what we do.
Sometimes, the only way of dealing with toxic people in your life is by limiting your exposure to them. You can leave the room, hang up the call, or refrain from engaging in conversation every time you find someone pushing against your boundaries.
You might even have to cut off contact entirely. While this can seem extreme, you must remember that one of the most obvious signs someone doesn’t value you is when they keep disrespecting your boundaries.
7. Surround yourself with supportive people
If you have ever wondered how to stop caring about people who don’t care about you, then having a set of supportive people is a powerful tool you can have. Not only will these people help you to unlearn the lie that you are not enough, but they will also help you stand your ground and remind you to stick to your boundaries.
Supportive people are not “Yes Men.” They are people who are not afraid of showing you the mirror, giving you feedback, or even tough love. They will guide you and support you. They will also support your dreams and celebrate your wins. And most importantly, they will not use your insecurities to pull you down, let alone kick you when you are already down.
8. Reframe the narrative in your mind
We have established that when someone undervalues you for long durations of time, then you, too, start to believe the words they say about you. You begin to see your perceived flaws, and before you know it, you start making the mistakes you were accused of.
Seeing your faults with a microscope eats away at every fiber of your being. Hence, change the narrative that you were told all this time in your head and before you know it, you will start loving yourself again.
9. Seek professional guidance or therapy
If you truly want to learn how to deal with people who don’t value you, then getting professional help you exponentially. A professional therapist will first and foremost give you a safe space. This is important because it will allow you to open up without the fear of judgment. They will also provide you with practical coping mechanisms that will be healthy for your mental health.
A therapist will not only help you identify if the undervaluation comes from an external source or if it is you who is putting yourself down, but they will also help you to build healthy boundaries and recognize your self-worth. Thereby enabling you to break the toxic loop of old patterns.
Conclusion
Feeling unloved and unappreciated can be painful. Especially when you go out of your way to please others. However, it is important to remember, your worth is not dependent on who recognises and you are not responsible for the actions of others. All you need to do is surround yourself with people who love you and do not make you feel drained. And soon you will notice that you don’t chase approvals anymore.
FAQs
There are multiple reasons why some people never value others. It could be because of their environment, where they were taught to be entitled, or they may have very low self-worth, and the only way they can feel better about themselves is by pulling others down. Know that this does not determine your value.
Yes, people can change. A person who didn’t value you previously may start to appreciate you. But it can only happen if they care about you. This kind of change can only happen through self-awareness and a will to make things better.
It is difficult to deal with a person who doesn’t appreciate you. It is best to limit your time with them and set boundaries. It is also a good idea to be with supportive people who will uplift you, as well as seek counselling to learn healthy coping mechanisms.
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